Before You React, Assume Innocent Intent

A Simple Practice That Strengthens Connection and Reduces Drama

In a previous blog, I wrote about how all events are neutral and only have the meaning we give them. It is our inner Persecutor voice that loves to rush in and judge and blame, whether or not the judgment is true. Observing this inner mechanism at work can be incredibly liberating and can help free us from our own reactive habits.

But what happens when we believe others are persecuting us? How do we inoculate ourselves from the tendency to judge someone else’s words or actions as controlling, demanding, or critical?

One way is to pause and assume innocent intent before jumping to conclusions. Here’s a common scenario to illustrate what I mean:

You're rushing out the door to pick up your daughter from soccer practice when your phone buzzes. It's your boss: "We really need your project report in the morning."

"Sure," you reply quickly, "it's almost done. See you tomorrow." You pocket your phone and keep running to your car.

But during the drive, something shifts. Your mind starts spinning. That simple request—for a report that wasn't even due until next week—suddenly feels like a "demand." The story in your head grows bigger: "This is just another power move. Why does she always pressure me at the last minute like this?"

The more you think about it, the more convinced you become that it's personal. What started as a straightforward work request has transformed in your mind into an attack.

We humans are storytelling machines. An event happens, and we unconsciously create a beginning, middle, and end—whether we have the facts or not. We want to make sense of what’s going on and tend to attribute motives to others’ actions or tone of voice. It’s a natural survival pattern. But it often backfires.

One reason we fill in the blanks is to reduce uncertainty. When things are clear—even if the story isn’t accurate—we feel more in control.

But the downside of this trait is that we can unintentionally cast people into roles they never meant to play: the Persecutor, the Victim, or the Rescuer. All three of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles can show up when we assume we know someone’s intent.

Back to the story:

The next morning, your boss greets you.

“Good morning! Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t explain last night why I needed your report early. You were rushing out, and I didn’t want to slow you down. Hopefully I didn’t catch you off guard or cause worry. Your reports are always so clear—I wanted to share it with others on the team who have been asking for guidance before our big client meeting.”

Wow. So much context you didn’t have. That new information could have saved an evening of unnecessary stress—if only you had embraced this mantra: assume innocent intent.

Even in the healthiest workplaces and relationships, stuff happens. Throughout your day, something unexpected is bound to occur: an email arrives that feels cold or confusing; a coworker, spouse, or friend is late to a meeting; you “hear through the grapevine” that someone said something about you that isn’t true.

If you assume innocent intent, you create space—space to breathe, to ask questions, to connect before reacting. This doesn’t mean you ignore your feelings or give up your boundaries. It simply means you allow for the possibility that what happened may not be what it seems. It allows you to stay grounded in curiosity rather than spiraling into defensiveness or blame.

It’s not always necessary to assume positive intent—though that can be helpful, too. But assuming innocent intent creates a neutral space, (All events are neutral. They only have the meaning we give them.) where you can stay open until you learn more. It allows your Creator essence to stay engaged while resisting the pull of reactivity.

When we see others as Co-Creators, and not characters in a negative story we’ve constructed, we give ourselves, and them, the benefit of the doubt.

A few tips to practice this shift:

• Pause when you feel triggered. Give yourself a moment to take a breath and repeat your new mantra: assume innocent intent.

• Respond from the Coach role in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic): Ask directly and kindly, “What is your intent here?” or “What do you really want in this situation? It would help me understand where you’re coming from.”

Give yourself and others a break when stuff happens. By assuming innocent intent, you shift from interpreting life through a fear-based lens to engaging with openness and possibility. You awaken the Creator within you—and invite the Creator in others to shine forth.

Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.

Would you like to deepen your understanding of TED* and your ability to help others apply TED* for themselves?

I'm leading the TED* Foundations Coaching Course from Oct 14 - Dec 16 and invite you to learn how this course can support you. The 9-week class is held virtually from 9:00-11:00am Pacific each Tuesday, and is approved for 28 ICF Continuing Education (CE) credits. The course is $1,450 USD, but for a short-time we are offering an early-bird price of $1,250.

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