I have noticed that when things are going well it is easy for me to state what I want and don’t want. I communicate with ease and enjoy the clarity that healthy boundaries provide. I’ve learned that healthy boundaries also teach others how to treat me. Not only is a boundary a signpost signaling to others how you want to be treated, but it is also a personal commitment, based in values, shared with others.
Setting healthy boundaries is easy when things are going well but it is a lot more difficult to sustain healthy boundaries when things are not going the way I want. When triggered, my body goes into fight-flight mode, and I have less ability to focus and be clear.
It is especially hard to set healthy boundaries when I’m triggered, and land in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). When trapped in the DDT my thinking is reactive and lacks clarity. I may go back to old patterns and stories and hear “don’t upset others” or “be nice.” My boundary setting goes out the window.
Boundaries require a grounded sense of self, but the DDT roles pull us into survival patterns. Let’s break this down through the TED (*The Empowerment Dynamic) lens and see what a healthy boundary looks like in each of the role shifts from DDT to TED*.
· From Victim to Creator: Pause and ask, “What do I want right now and what boundary supports that?”
· From Persecutor to Challenger: Instead of lashing out and criticizing, name what you want with respect. “I need quiet after 9pm.”
· From Rescuer to Coach: Trust others to handle their own responsibilities. Your boundary might be: “I can’t take this on, but I trust you’ll find a way.”
When you set a healthy boundary, you make clear what you are willing to accept and how you are willing to be regarded. Without healthy boundaries you are at risk of creating emotional drama. You may:
Swing from oversharing personal information, to shutting down.
Feel like a doormat and let others walk all over you.
Feel invisible or not listened to.
Come away from conversations with heavy, drama-filled emotions.
Here’s the paradox. Saying yes and trying to please everyone isn’t helpful if you can’t set healthy boundaries. You are defined by what you say no to, as much as what you accept. If you say yes to everything and everyone, how do you know what you value? How do you know what matters most to you? How do you create balance in your life?
Healthy boundaries help me to feel relaxed and comfortable in relationships because they support the way I allow other people to relate to me. A healthy boundary supports me to live aligned with my core values. If I don’t have healthy boundaries, I am likely to be at the mercy of other people or situations.
If you were fortunate, setting healthy boundaries was a natural part of what you learned growing up. You also learned that you can’t predict how others will respond to the boundaries you set. The only thing you can control is your own behavior and what is right for you.
Sustaining healthy boundaries is a fundamental act of self-care and requires the ability to self-reflect in the moment. Here are a few more suggestions to maintain healthy boundaries:
Practice saying “no.” When learning to set boundaries, start with those you trust and let them know you are practicing saying no to some requests. This will allow you to practice saying no in a supportive environment. By saying no to something or someone, you take a stand and, in effect, set boundaries. It is the boundary that makes room for you to have or receive what you want.
Speak directly to those with whom you need to set a boundary. Instead of complaining to others about a concern you have with another, take responsibility to speak directly to the person with whom you have an issue, rather than gossip or go behind their back.
Be clear about your needs. Do not assume anyone can read your mind. Practice using “I statements” that tell others what you need and what you are, and are not, willing to commit to.
The truth is, no one will respect your boundaries if you don’t set them in the first place. As a Creator, clarifying and communicating boundaries is an essential practice in co-creating and collaboration.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.
Donna
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