The Many Forms of Arrogance: More Than Just a “Nose-in-the-Air”
The journey from recovering Rescuer to Coach is about letting go of control and embracing curiosity.
The Many Forms of Arrogance: More Than Just a “Nose-in-the-Air”
By Donna Zajonc with David Emerald
I am a recovering Rescuer.
I am referring to the role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) that focuses on pleasing and being helpful. During my recovery, I began to realize that my rescuing methods were a form of arrogance.
“Arrogant?! Not me!” I said to myself. “I am just trying to be helpful.”
That epiphany was the first awareness of how arrogance can feed the need to help others. Altruistic as I was, my helpful ways often surfaced from a judgment of others. As I got more real with myself, I recognized the connection between wanting to help and assuming others couldn’t take care of their own situation.
I learned that the root of the word arrogance came from Latin and meant overbearing, or “to assume.” I also learned that there are many forms of arrogance.
The most common form is the “nose-in-the-air” when a person views themselves as superior to others. This was my understanding of arrogance, and I resisted using that word to describe myself.
Then I learned there is another common form of arrogance known as the "helper" arrogance. This is a more socially acceptable type, but it's still about superiority. It happens when someone constantly gives unsolicited advice without being asked. I definitely resonated with this kind of arrogance.
Wanting to be helpful was my intention, but it was still patronizing and unknowingly dismissive of others. When I saw this pattern, I was broken-hearted that my deep desire to be helpful was a form of superiority.
Facing this truth, I set out to learn more about other forms of arrogance that all share a common theme of an inflated sense of self. Here are a few other types of arrogance:
Intellectual Arrogance – Assuming one is the smartest person in the room, dismissing others' ideas or expertise.
Moral Arrogance – Believing one’s values or lifestyle to be superior to others, leading to judgmental attitudes and criticism of those who don’t align.
Spiritual Arrogance – Feeling more enlightened or evolved and look down on others who have different beliefs or practices.
Social Arrogance – Having an attitude of superiority because of one’s social circle, wealth, or fame.
Creative Arrogance – Viewing one’s creative and artistic work as superior, dismissing others’ ideas and tastes as unoriginal or shallow.
Arrogance in its various forms is often driven by underlying psychological needs, defenses, and insecurities. Here are some key psychological dynamics at play:
Insecurity: When I was living fully from the Rescuer role, I thought my need to help would assuage feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.
Threat to self-identity: Some people bind their self-worth to a single trait of intelligence, morality, creativity, or success. When their identity is threatened, they respond with arrogance to protect it.
Need for control: I gradually realized that my helper arrogance stemmed from feeling threatened by uncertainty and unpredictability.
Bolster one’s self-worth: Associating with wealth and status to maintain personal power.
Softening the arrogant trait in oneself can be intimidating to the ego, but there are ways to begin that do not have to be so threatening.
I started noticing that when I was being overly helpful, or pleasing, it was because I wanted to get answers and manage uncertainty. Replacing certainty with curiosity helped me to pause my advice-giving trait. I began practicing “I don’t know,” as my new mantra and learned to be more comfortable with not having answers and gradually moved into the TED* Coach role by asking questions, making room for others to share their insights.
My shocking realization of the link between the Rescuer role and feeling superior, (Ouch, that even still hurts to write those words!) helped me to wake up to my underlying psychological pattern.
Are you a recovering Rescuer? If so, how have you supported your journey? I welcome your comments.
Until next time, here’s to the Creator (and Coach) in you.
Donna
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Thanks for your honesty Donna. This post resonates with me in many ways. I found the break down of the different types of arrogance to be really helpful, as well as the description of why we might use them
Ouch! I commend Donna Zajonc's and David Emerald's willingness to share profound self-awareness. May we all find support (and more ease) in the journey to knowing ourselves.